Analyzing Yesterday's Approach

I went out on a little walk yesterday and encountered a girl I wanted to approach. She was sitting on a bench. Of course the fear was still there. Daytime approaching is still new to me. I had to walk a bit to shake up some of those feelings of fear. I found a great article last week about how you can utilize the body to alter your mind. As it turns out (and as I've known for a long time), the body and mind are more of an integrated system rather than one automatically controlling the other. One leads and the other often follows. Mastery of the body-mind system is a great boon to accomplishing your goals.

I've also realized that trying to actively fight your fear and calm down is counterproductive. It only gets you further inside your own head. It's instead better to reframe your fear as excitement (which are closely-related feelings - you can even feel it in your brain), accept that your fear exists, and tell yourself that it's based on a faulty perception.

This is what I did. And it did help - a little. But as I was walking toward her I think what put me over the edge was that I would be extremely disappointed in myself if I didn't do it. I thought of Marlborough and Louis. I thought of how they would be disappointed in me if I didn't do it, when they did such marvelous things in their lives.

If you read Think & Grow Rich, one of the chapters talks about emotional cocktails and their powers on the brain - that different mixtures of emotions and thoughts can lead to very different outcomes. I suppose this is what happened, because I did it.

I simply said "hi" as I was passing her and that I didn't want to leave the park without talking to her. This was my plan all along and that too, reduced the initial fear. She was friendly. I quickly found myself asking too many questions. The good part was that I caught myself doing this and tried to make some statements and assumptions to get her talking some more, it just didn't really work very well. Sometimes that just happens.

Anyway this girl was in med school. I caught myself in the trap of talking about that too much and trying to relate, when I should have just said I had no idea about any of it and asked her open-ended questions of how she felt about it all.

She asked the usual question of what I did for a living, blah blah. I asked her to take off her sunglasses so I could see her eyes, but she wouldn't. That's when I knew things were on the rocks.

At any rate when I saw that there was just no real connection being made I began to bail, but made the mistake of telling her she "probably wouldn't give me her number." No shit she wouldn't, if I was just going to reject myself that way! She even said "I don't know." I should have tried to overcome that objection, but didn't. Lesson learned.

So those were some bad things. The good things were that I was actively catching myself making mistakes and attempting to adjust. Eye contact with her was good. Vocal tones were good. Body language was good. I did shake hands with her, though on a bench I wasn't entirely sure how I could have physically escalated any further. Asking her to take off her sunglasses was also good because it's a well-known fact that someone doing a small favor for you will be more psychologically attached to you.

The best thing was that as soon as I approached, all fear dissipated. I really do not have any trouble talking to people, women I'm attracted to, or talking well for that matter (as I've said before).  If I can just get over that initial anxiety, my road to success is pretty broad.

So some of the good things were:

•  My body language and voice tones (very important).
• My ability to keep the conversation lasting a while.
• Caught myself making mistakes.
• Tried to tease and make some assumptions to get out of the 20 questions game.
• I made some compliments specific to her.
• Most importantly, I overcame the fear.

Some bad things:

•  Asked too many questions, and not the good kind, but rather the value-taking kind.
• I tried to relate too much instead of being more honest.
• I don't think I tried hard enough to create masculine/feminine polarity.
• The worst mistake was basically rejecting myself when asking for her phone and ejecting too fast.

Overall this conversation went pretty well, and as I've said on this blog before - I tend to be extremely self-critical, which is a big weakness of mine. I'm happy with myself, and it really goes to show that your fears are mostly just a bad perception. I'm still getting used to daytime approaching and overcoming approach anxiety, so overall this was a win.

What if it Was You?

I've really put a lot of effort into improving my appearance in the last few months, besides just working out. I've really been paying attention to my style and doing little things with grooming that I haven't done before (like using a cleanser and moisturizer on my face - lots of guys don't do this). The result is that I think I look a lot better. I was always decently good-looking (or so I'd been told), but every little bit helps. My skin certainly looks more radiant. It's pretty incredible how doing little things can make such a big difference.

Anyway, I was on my way out today to do an errand. There was an old woman in the elevator as I was going down. I greeted her politely. She immediately made a comment about the pendant I was wearing (it's of a Griffin). She even said it was "beautiful." I tell her the story behind it. I was pretty amused by the whole thing. This old woman was trying to flirt with me. I politely bade her goodbye once the elevator reached the lobby and I went to do what I needed to do.

Even though this was an old woman who I obviously had no interest in, I was still pretty upbeat that she attempted this, because it meant I was in some way attractive. This wasn't the only time something like this happened either. Just yesterday, as I was out with a friend for some Fleet Week adventures (well, I was still waiting for him at this time), a girl came up to me and asked me for directions. I gave her the proper ones and continued on (I was actually quite upset with myself at that point because I saw a particularly beautiful girl only a few minutes prior, made steps towards her, and even noticed something she was wearing that I could talk about, but ultimately didn't open because of that beta voice in my head holding me back). I then saw her turn back to look at me as she was walking away. I didn't really care for her that much, but she was with an attractive blonde who I wouldn't have minded hitting up. Didn't think of it until it was too late. I could tell that yet another girl was making preening motions in my vicinity on the train as I was getting there, and I've definitely been making good eye contact with a lot of girls (I still think I need to work on more facial expressions though), including a few yesterday.

This all got the gears in my head turning regarding how it is with women. I enjoyed the conversation in the elevator today, even if I wasn't interested. It does feel good to know that you're attractive to somebody, even if you don't reciprocate it. Surely it must be the same with women, where physical attractiveness is even more important?

I'd think that as long as the person trying to flirt with you wasn't someone you were actively repulsed by, you'd still feel somewhat flattered. Now a lot of guys say women get approached all the time. This is something I disagree with and never quite believed. I live in New York and I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen a man actively try to strike up a conversation with an attractive woman he doesn't know, at least without very specific factors present. Sure, you'll see a lot of stares, maybe some passing lines that lack dominance as she's walking by, but not a serious approach. This is why I say that attractive women might get "hit on" a lot but not "approached."

So ask yourself in the heat of the moment: wouldn't the interaction with a woman you don't know be enjoyable, regardless of whether she rejects you or not? Ultimately I think the major part of approach anxiety isn't fear of rejection but fear of the unknown (at least it is for me). You're approaching a stranger and you have no idea how she will react. Yet I've never once had a bad experience with any stranger, man or woman, I've said something to. The worst that will happen is I get ignored. Wouldn't it make more sense that you'd be received positively, especially if you put an effort into looking good?

This is something I think everyone should keep in mind. By approaching you do her a favor by telling her she's desirable, and there's no more flattering thing for a woman than to be desired by a high-status man.

Despite having a number of daytime approaches under my belt now, I'm still battling that anxiety, especially in environments like the streets, but I will try to keep this in mind and reframe that anxiety as excitement (which is more helpful than calming down). I only wish I'd been thinking about this when I saw that really beautiful girl walk by!

Oh and, as an aside, I got to the ship on the west side with my friend and got to hold some guns on board, including a Barett. 50 sniper rifle which weighed forty pounds. That was pretty cool.

I also noticed a bunch of girls flirting with the service members. That was also amusing. It was good training in reading body language at least.

Always Be In Motion

The key to being a complete man? I've discovered that it's actually very simple, and it's independent of anything external. It's easy. It's not something you need to work for. It's not something that needs to be handed to you. It's not something that you need to take. You have the ability in you all along. Much discussion has been centered around acquiring a good frame, well, I think it's pretty simple.

Always be in motion.

Stasis is death. I should know.

It doesn't matter how fast you move. On some days you will move faster, and on others you will move slower. Just have your ends defined and move toward them. Do what you can do, every day.

If you can't do one thing, do something else.

Injured and can't work out? You've got another end, I hope. If you're writer, write something, and hold yourself accountable for not getting to where you intended.

If you aren't working for some reason, lift weights. Lift and look for something.

Afraid to approach women? That's OK. Everyone is. Work on it and at the same time progress in other goals. It will build you into a better man and thus give your more confidence.

Everyone has different goals, but progress towards them. Never remain in stasis.

Most people are in stasis. They're not serious about getting the things they say they want. They live day-to-day, doing their menial tasks.

Don't be like that. I used to be like that until a year ago. But I changed my thought process and resolved to take action, and I have continued in that ever since.

And it's important that you change your thoughts, because they are your constant companions. You become what you think about, but you need to have the desire and the dedication to take action, big and small. This is how you are in motion, you put your thoughts into motion by your actions.

If there is one thing that can be described as "alpha," this is it. Alphas are always in motion. They always lead, always take the initiative. They are never supplicating (unless it's a ploy for power, in which case it's still proactive). They are never in stasis, never passive.

It's really this simple. Examine any successful man in history and he will have this quality. Look at my list of the twenty men whose traits I seek to incorporate into my own personality. It is a diverse list. It ranges from vagabonds to kings, but they all had one thing in common: they were always in motion.

This is the secret to "alphadom" and success. Even when you talk of pure game, it involves you being in motion with women, you leading, commanding, never being passive.

Doing things, even if only a little at a time, adds up to a big difference over a relatively short period. Just keep at it. Keep on moving, and never lose sight of your goals. Never let a thought of doubt poison your mind.

You must have a grounded identity (which you acquire also through thinking, hobbies, the books you read, etc.) and an unfailing confidence in your own greatness. Being constantly in motion, even if only in your thoughts, will give you that confidence, which will increase with accretion.

If you are internally grounded, and externally in motion, there will be little that can get in your way.