A thought came to my mind this morning- why should anyone use the word "rejection" when a girl turns down your advances?
Sure, you've been turned down, and you're more than likely not ever going to have any kind of relationship with her, but have you really been rejected? The answer to this question is likely no. How could you be? It's not like the girl knows who you really are.
One of my first-ever non-social circle approaches came to mind when I pondered this question. I was 18 years old, about to start college, and I was at the orientation. A few hours in, I saw this incredibly attractive redhead with all the features a man could ask for in a woman- slim, excellent figure, and a beautiful face. Strangely enough I was relatively calm. I forget how exactly the conversation started. I believe the person that was leading the orientation group we were in and I started talking about where I was from- New York. She then jumped into the conversation saying how much she loved the city. I was fortunate. I had something going for me of interest to her, and I did not need to tell her myself. Then the unfortunate logistics of the situation presented themselves- we were separated because we were walking to the next portion of the orientation at the time, and we wound up in different rooms. What shitty luck.
When we met up again after that particular part was over, she seemed to be interested in continuing the conversation, at least for a bit. Here's where I fucked up. Instead of asking her open-ended questions about what she's done in the city and teasing her a little bit about being an outsider who didn't know nothing from anything, I rambled on about stupid bullshit like how they sold samurai swords in Chinatown (yes, this is something I actually said, and it's still embarrassing to this day).
Unsurprisingly after more than a few minutes, when we arrived at a building with a lot of people which offered her a convenient excuse, she ditched me fast.
I was rejected.
But was I really?
Hardly. The girl left not because I was somehow ugly or my personality was terrible or I so repulsed her that she needed to run. She went off because my game was terrible. It wasn't any fatal flaw inherent to my character. I just didn't present myself well.
I'm currently reading a book called Do it Yourself Advertising and Promotion by Fred E. Hahn, Tom Davis, Bob Killian, & Ken Magill to help me get a business idea off the ground. One of the key things in any advertisement they they highlight is the ARM acronym:
Motivate your prospects to take the action you want them to take
Game after all, could be said to be a form of advertising. So what happened with this approach?
I attracted her attention with her interest in New York City. She was clearly willing to talk to me. However, after the terrible logistics got in my way, I was unable to retain her interest, because my game was shit. She didn't reject me, she rejected my game. She rejected my advertising.
I'm sure this has been highlighted before. Nick Savoy in Magic Bullets talks about women rejecting his openers and not him. True. But it goes beyond that. There are very little things, at least in the initial stages of the courtship, which tend to be the hardest, that women can really reject you for.
Having the mindset of "failed advertising" instead of "rejection" is far more productive, and should therefore increase self-confidence. Did I even feel bad when this girl in question "rejected me?" Not one bit. I believe this is because, instinctively, I knew that it was no big deal because I wasn't really rejected. My personhood was totally intact.
This is a lesson for me to continually keep in mind as I work on overcoming my approach anxiety in certain settings. Being a fan of Ghost in the Shell like I am, I've come to view the brain more and more as a biological computer, and language is how it interacts with and decodes the encryption of the world. Using better language can make a big difference in the way you think and behave.
Will thinking in this way magically transform you? No. You still need to consistently practice making yourself a better person. But it may be able to make a small difference in your motivations to approach, and how you treat your interactions not just with women, but people in general.
Approaching women rejection pick-up game