Wednesday, October 29, 2014

A Two-Tiered System for Overcoming Approach Anxiety


You're walking, and then you see her. She's beautiful. You want so badly to say hello. Your heart is pounding and you're frozen in your spot. She gets away. You feel like shit the rest of the day. We've all been in this situation. It's approach anxiety, and it's a bitch.
There she is. All you need to do is approach.
You're walking, and then you see her. She's beautiful. You want so badly to say hello. Your heart is pounding and you're frozen in your spot. She gets away. You feel like shit for the rest of the day. We've all been in this situation. It's approach anxiety, and it's a bitch.

This is an oft-done topic on pickup sites and forums, mostly because I think everyone needs to work on this in their own way. As in most things when it comes to game, everyone will likely have their own style.

In my experience (and my experience was a struggle), I've found that there's two components to overcoming approach anxiety: an inner game one and an outer game one. Your inner game (which is probably a bit of a misnomer) is in short, your identity - the nexus of interests, hobbies, thoughts, habits, etc. that compose who you are. Your outer game is your behavior around women and more broadly, your social skills in general.

Note that the system I am about to lay out assumes that you are already "normal." That is to say, you have at least a few interesting thoughts or hobbies going on that will make you somewhat intriguing and you are not socially inept. If you are not normal, you better work on becoming normal. Take heart though, that "normal" can be a pretty loose definition. As long as you aren't sitting around playing Call of Duty all day, you will likely be at least to a degree interesting, and you may be nervous in social situations, but it doesn't mean you are socially inept. In many ways you might be your own worst critic. I used to think that I was socially awkward too and that no woman would be attracted to me. This was obviously wrong. In truth, very few people are so uninteresting or have social skills so far down the gutter that this system shouldn't work for them, and in even better news, the inner game component of this system will make you more interesting.

I also believe it's worth mentioning my own history before I go into this. I used to have very bad approach anxiety. It seemed like there was an unbreakable wall that stopped me from going after the women I wanted. I saw her, but I couldn't get past this invisible barrier and I'd leave feeling bad all day. And for this guy, this guy that I used to be, simply telling him to go out and approach isn't usually going to help because he's lacking in confidence. His entire way of thinking needs to be addressed and this negative coding in his brain needs to be rewritten by a new program, and this is it.

Now let's get to the inner game system. Note that you need to make these into habits (at least at first). Doing them sporadically will not be enough to rewrite your brain's programming. Once you're approaching consistently you can slack off but it's still not something I would recommend. So, without further ado, here's the inner game component:


1. Don’t Overwhelm Yourself with Seduction Literature

Yes, you need to know the basics of what to do, and more importantly, what not to. But once you know these basics, you are rapidly approaching the point of diminishing returns. Reading any further is only taking precious time that can be devoted to something more productive, and getting you too far in your own head. Take a few refreshers here and there if you think you need to, but stop reading and start acting.
This is not going to help as much as you may think.
Yes, you need to know the basics of what to do, and more importantly, what not to. But once you know these basics, you are rapidly approaching the point of diminishing returns. Reading any further is only taking precious time that can be devoted to something more productive, and getting you too far in your own head. Take a few refreshers here and there if you think you need to, but stop reading and start acting.


2. Start an Exercise Program

In my opinion, this is the most important step, and it is the one that brings the most rapid results. A vigorous program of exercise will not only make you look better and thus increase your confidence, but it will elevate your testosterone, which will make you hungrier, more aggressive, and more motivated (which carries over not just into approaching, but in all aspects of life). Perhaps most importantly, you will impose self-discipline, which is crucial to every other step on this list.

3. Watch What You Eat

"You are what you eat" is a truth. I will not give dietary advice because I’m not qualified to (and I cannot know what each man’s body chemistry is like). But I can tell you what’s helped me. Simple steps I took was to at least severely reduce my consumption of processed sugars and white flour, and making sure I eat a good breakfast every morning that consists of protein and animal fats (eggs, egg whites, and organic bacon or sausages are my main staple). Foods such as these will repair the muscles in your body after a workout and will increase your testosterone further. In addition, try to avoid products that mimic estrogens, and eat cruciferous vegetables, as they have been shown to cleanse the body of these phyto-estrogens (broccoli has been a staple of my diet for a while). Do not heat foods in plastic if possible (this releases phyto-estrogens). Use glass instead.

4. Stop Watching Porn

Really, just don’t do it. By watching porn you are training your mind to be satisfied with pixels on a screen. After a mere week of stopping its intake I looked at girls very differently, and my motivation and energy to approach them was on overdrive. This rule applies to both video and still images.

5. Severely Limit Masturbation


In a related vein, I recommend limiting masturbation. Once a week at the very most. After a few days you will start to become very horny, and that motivation and sexual energy will naturally translate into approaching girls. Sometimes you will feel as if you are being literally guided by your dick and there is no stopping you. Trust me that this energy is far more powerful than any fear.


6. Consciously Focus on Your Body Language

While your exercise regimen will greatly help you in having naturally good body language, try and focus on this until it becomes ingrained. Remember at all times: shoulders back, head held slightly up, feet shoulder-width apart, and move slowly. Body language alone can make a huge difference not just in how other people perceive you, but in how you perceive yourself.

While your exercise regimen will greatly help you in having naturally good body language, try and focus on this until it becomes ingrained. Remember at all times: shoulders back, head held slightly up, feet shoulder-width apart, and move slowly. Body language alone can make a huge difference not just in how other people perceive you, but in how you perceive yourself.
Body language that speaks power.
 

7. Train Your Voice

Good body language is important, but so is having good vocal tones. If your voice is weak and nervous, don’t be surprised if you don’t get anywhere. Fortunately there’s a rather easy way to train yourself to be a good speaker, and I got good at it long before I came into the game. Train your voice by continuously engaging in speaking projects – this can be public speaking, making videos, podcasts, or the like. With a few months of consistent practice, you will be amazed at how much better you sound, and your voice tones will be naturally good. You will therefore speak well when approaching a girl, because speaking well is ingrained in your nature.


8. Read These Two Books

Hey now, I didn’t say that all reading was bad. Read The 48 Laws of Power, by Robert Greene, and Think & Grow Rich, by Napoleon Hill. These two books completely changed my outlook on life. They are on Roosh’s list of ten recommended books for a reason. Get to it.

Hey now, I didn’t say that all reading was bad. Read The 48 Laws of Power, by Robert Greene, and Think & Grow Rich, by Napoleon Hill. These two books completely changed my outlook on life. They are on Roosh’s list of ten recommended books for a reason. Get to it.
The ultimate aphrodisiac.


9. Be a Conscientious Observer

A crucial skill to develop in any case, it will also give you more confidence. You will realize just how pathetic most human beings in this world are, and how easy it is to excel them. Claiming a crown is about being above the crowd, and it is a lot easier than you think. Be above average, and you will be paid in dividends.


10. Do the Twenty Men Exercise

All of us need powerful role models to look up to. They motivate and give us valuable lessons. Unfortunately, these are hard to come by in modern society. So, carefully select a list of twenty men, living or dead, that for whatever reason, you admire and seek to learn from. Write them down, and write your list of reasons why you chose them. Then read their works, and read about them. Associate with them (however remotely) and you will start to be like them.


11. Find a Community

A similar step to the previous one, you should find a community of guys that want to get ahead in life and associate with them. You will start to think like them, and you will be able to get good advice. You will also, crucially, have people to hold yourself accountable to. In an era where the male sphere is under constant assault by the forces of political correctness, this is absolutely crucial. In my opinion it is second in importance to finding a good exercise regimen. Return of Kings and Roosh's forum has helped me a lot (my criticisms of the previous site still stand, however). These may not work for you and that's fine. Just find a forum that does.

12. Find Your Optimal Look

I'll be making some more content regarding this down the road, but you should be experimenting with different styles to find one that fits you. Find out the shape of your face and get an appropriate haircut from a good stylist. And I emphasize good because most barbers are not known for being that great. Find some cool accessories (a ring, a pendant, a belt buckle, etc.) that convey a part of your identity. DO NOT WEAR RUNNING SHOES UNLESS YOU'RE AT THE GYM (or...out running). Experiment with different facial hair lengths (the shape of your face and the color of your facial hair will be most important with this as well. Also, be careful not to look like an emasculated hipster). And please, take care of your skin with a good cleanser, moisturizer, and facial scrub.

I'll be making some more content regarding this down the road, but you should be experimenting with different styles to find one that fits you. Find out the shape of your face and get an appropriate haircut from a good stylist. And I emphasize good because most barbers are not known for being that great. Find some cool accessories (a ring, a pendant, a belt buckle, etc.) that convey a part of your identity. DO NOT WEAR RUNNING SHOES UNLESS YOU'RE AT THE GYM. Experiment with different facial hair lengths (the shape of your face and the color of your facial hair will be most important with this as well. also, be careful not to look like an emasculated hipster). And please, take care of your skin with a good cleanser, moisturizer, and facial scrub.
Add caption

13. Desensitize Yourself to the Presence of Beautiful Women

A lot of us simply aren’t exposed to beautiful women enough, even if we think we are. Don’t worry, you don’t need to approach just yet, but when you start to master some of the previous steps, it’s time to get out there and observe the women around you that you want to talk to. Through repeat exposure, you will begin to desensitize yourself and figure out ways to break through the final approach barrier.

Consistent application and devotion to this program will start to rewire your brain. Your confidence and motivation will soar, and you will begin to work, slowly, toward busting through your approach anxiety and getting into the game.

Once you feel comfortable with the inner game component, you can begin the outer game component, which is fortunately, far simpler.

Before you start approaching you need to take note of one thing, however: a successful approach is just that - you successfully opened your damn mouth and began to make a conversation with a girl you hope to eventually have sex with. The ugly truth is that most of your approaches are going to "fail" in the sense that they won't lead to sex.

But the person afraid of this has the mindset of a loser. Every approach is a success - not only because you are doing something that very few men are capable of doing, but you are gaining experience and ultimately having fun doing it.

So now that that’s been covered, there is also something crucial I want you to keep in the back of your mind at all times:

The fear of the approach is complete bullshit.

It is a faulty perception, nothing more. Your goal is to make sure that this perception does not become reality. In all my approaches, I have never had a bad experience. I've only encountered slight bitchiness on three or four occasions and I just walked away, smirking about it as I did so. Most women are friendly or at least congenial, provided you don’t look and act like a loser, and that’s not exactly a hard benchmark to clear.

Now, there are two basic dimensions in the anatomy of a successful approach:

1. Find an Opener

Yeah, yeah, I know. The old adage that it doesn’t really matter what you say is true. To her. Most of the time. However it does matter to you. Approach anxiety (in my experience) mostly comes not from a fear of rejection, but a fear of the unknown. There are a lot of uncertainties (in your mind) that are present when approaching a stranger. So, you need to be certain about something. Your opener is that certainty. It is a small one, but a completely adequate one. Having a certain opener drastically reduces the anxiety that is coursing through your brain and trying to get you to pussy out. So, when you see a girl you fancy, find an opener. I don’t care what it is, just find one. 

(As a note: I prefer direct openers for this reason. Not only are they more ballsy and congruent, but they are far simpler to come up with than actively having to think of a situational opener which will likely make you more nervous. With direct openers, you do not have the "what do I say?!" hesitation. My go-to opener in most situations is to simply walk up to a girl with a polite "excuse me" and tell her that I thought she looked nice and I wanted to come over and say hi. Simple, direct, socially appropriate, and certain.)

2. Move

When you see a girl you like, and you have your opener ready, move your ass towards her. Unlike the first point, this is not merely a psychological trick you need to play on yourself. It is absolutely crucial to a successful approach and is grounded in solid science along with hundreds of thousands and even millions of years of human experience. The first physiological reaction in our body’s response to fear is to freeze.

Back when our more primitive hominid ancestors were running around on the savanna, they needed to be careful to avoid predators. We weren’t always the dominant species on Planet Earth. Back then, our ancestors were rather puny and with little to make up for it. It’s a known fact that predators give chase. When facing off against a lion, the thing you don’t want to do is run away. So how did our ancestors react – at least the ones that survived? Easy, they froze.

While it seems silly that our brains fear that hottie over there with the high heels and a skirt in the same way that they used to fear lions and other fearsome predators, that is essentially what they are doing. When you freeze, that fear is only going to increase and your brain is going to think of nothing else. You see a predator. You want to avoid its attention and then get as far away as possible.

To counteract this fear, you must stay in motion. A funny thing happens when you approach an object that you fear - your brain starts to get less afraid because it is filling up with adrenaline. You are entering the fight response. Simply put you are going to be much more afraid just sitting there and looking at her than by actually walking towards her. It sounds contradictory, but most other guys that approach consistently will likely tell you the same thing.

So once you have that opener ready and certain, move your butt over to your girl. At this point something almost automatic happens – you deliver your opener, she responds well, and amazingly, you are now in a conversation with this hottie. You thought it wasn’t even possible, but here you are.

Once you begin to do this, and if you have a rudimentary knowledge about the principles of game and an interesting personality, something amazing happens. You’ll begin to realize that you had it in you all along, and it was only this fear, this one little fear, that was holding you back.

When you see a girl you like, and you have your opener ready, move your ass towards her. Unlike the first point, this is not merely a psychological trick you need to play on yourself. It is absolutely crucial to a successful approach and is grounded in solid science along with hundreds of thousands and even millions of years of human experience. The first physiological reaction in our body’s response to fear is to freeze.
When you know what you want to say, move immediately.
Enjoy!

A couple of concluding thoughts...

The more used to an environment you get, the easier your approaches will be. One of my favorite venues is Central Park and so approaching women there is very easy now. Approaching on the street for instance, is a bit harder, because I have less experience.

Your overall experience will make approaching less difficult in general, but your experience of approaching in different environments will make it much less difficult. For this reason, it makes sense to have a few spots that you specialize in to get the most bang for your buck.

Also, approach anxiety never fully goes away. It becomes more and more manageable as time goes on and you experience success, but you will always have it. Sometimes however you will wind up not approaching. That's fine. Just take it all in stride.

I also made a video to go with this article:


2 comments:

  1. Good article. I enjoyed it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete