A Two-Tiered System for Overcoming Approach Anxiety

There she is. All you need to do is approach.

You're walking, and then you see her. She's beautiful. You want so badly to say hello. Your heart is pounding and you're frozen in your spot. She gets away. You feel like shit for the rest of the day. We've all been in this situation. It's approach anxiety, and it's a bitch.

This is an oft-done topic on pickup sites and forums, mostly because I think everyone needs to work on this in their own way. As in most things when it comes to game, everyone will likely have their own style.

In my experience (and my experience was a struggle), I've found that there's two components to overcoming approach anxiety: an inner game one and an outer game one. Your inner game (which is probably a bit of a misnomer) is in short, your identity - the nexus of interests, hobbies, thoughts, habits, etc. that compose who you are. Your outer game is your behavior around women and more broadly, your social skills in general.

Note that the system I am about to lay out assumes that you are already "normal." That is to say, you have at least a few interesting thoughts or hobbies going on that will make you somewhat intriguing and you are not socially inept. If you are not normal, you better work on becoming normal. Take heart though, that "normal" can be a pretty loose definition. As long as you aren't sitting around playing Call of Duty all day, you will likely be at least to a degree interesting, and you may be nervous in social situations, but it doesn't mean you are socially inept. In many ways you might be your own worst critic. I used to think that I was socially awkward too and that no woman would be attracted to me. This was obviously wrong. In truth, very few people are so uninteresting or have social skills so far down the gutter that this system shouldn't work for them, and in even better news, the inner game component of this system will make you more interesting.

I also believe it's worth mentioning my own history before I go into this. I used to have very bad approach anxiety. It seemed like there was an unbreakable wall that stopped me from going after the women I wanted. I saw her, but I couldn't get past this invisible barrier and I'd leave feeling bad all day. And for this guy, this guy that I used to be, simply telling him to go out and approach isn't usually going to help because he's lacking in confidence. His entire way of thinking needs to be addressed and this negative coding in his brain needs to be rewritten by a new program, and this is it.

Now let's get to the inner game system. Note that you need to make these into habits (at least at first). Doing them sporadically will not be enough to rewrite your brain's programming. Once you're approaching consistently you can slack off but it's still not something I would recommend. So, without further ado, here's the inner game component:

1. Don’t Overwhelm Yourself with Seduction Literature

This is not going to help as much as you may think.

Yes, you need to know the basics of what to do, and more importantly, what not to. But once you know these basics, you are rapidly approaching the point of diminishing returns. Reading any further is only taking precious time that can be devoted to something more productive, and getting you too far in your own head. Take a few refreshers here and there if you think you need to, but stop reading and start acting.

2. Start an Exercise Program

In my opinion, this is the most important step, and it is the one that brings the most rapid results. A vigorous program of exercise will not only make you look better and thus increase your confidence, but it will elevate your testosterone, which will make you hungrier, more aggressive, and more motivated (which carries over not just into approaching, but in all aspects of life). Perhaps most importantly, you will impose self-discipline, which is crucial to every other step on this list.

3. Watch What You Eat

"You are what you eat" is a truth. I will not give dietary advice because I’m not qualified to (and I cannot know what each man’s body chemistry is like). But I can tell you what’s helped me. Simple steps I took was to at least severely reduce my consumption of processed sugars and white flour, and making sure I eat a good breakfast every morning that consists of protein and animal fats (eggs, egg whites, and organic bacon or sausages are my main staple). Foods such as these will repair the muscles in your body after a workout and will increase your testosterone further. In addition, try to avoid products that mimic estrogens, and eat cruciferous vegetables, as they have been shown to cleanse the body of these phyto-estrogens (broccoli has been a staple of my diet for a while). Do not heat foods in plastic if possible (this releases phyto-estrogens). Use glass instead.

4. Stop Watching Porn

Really, just don’t do it. By watching porn you are training your mind to be satisfied with pixels on a screen. After a mere week of stopping its intake I looked at girls very differently, and my motivation and energy to approach them was on overdrive. This rule applies to both video and still images.

5. Severely Limit Masturbation

In a related vein, I recommend limiting masturbation. Once a week at the very most. After a few days you will start to become very horny, and that motivation and sexual energy will naturally translate into approaching girls. Sometimes you will feel as if you are being literally guided by your dick and there is no stopping you. Trust me that this energy is far more powerful than any fear.

6. Consciously Focus on Your Body Language

While your exercise regimen will greatly help you in having naturally good body language, try and focus on this until it becomes ingrained. Remember at all times: shoulders back, head held slightly up, feet shoulder-width apart, and move slowly. Body language alone can make a huge difference not just in how other people perceive you, but in how you perceive yourself.

Body language that speaks power.

 

7. Train Your Voice

Good body language is important, but so is having good vocal tones. If your voice is weak and nervous, don’t be surprised if you don’t get anywhere. Fortunately there’s a rather easy way to train yourself to be a good speaker, and I got good at it long before I came into the game. Train your voice by continuously engaging in speaking projects – this can be public speaking, making videos, podcasts, or the like. With a few months of consistent practice, you will be amazed at how much better you sound, and your voice tones will be naturally good. You will therefore speak well when approaching a girl, because speaking well is ingrained in your nature.

8. Read These Two Books

Hey now, I didn’t say that all reading was bad. Read The 48 Laws of Power, by Robert Greene, and Think & Grow Rich, by Napoleon Hill. These two books completely changed my outlook on life. They are on Roosh’s list of ten recommended books for a reason. Get to it.

The ultimate aphrodisiac.

9. Be a Conscientious Observer

A crucial skill to develop in any case, it will also give you more confidence. You will realize just how pathetic most human beings in this world are, and how easy it is to excel them. Claiming a crown is about being above the crowd, and it is a lot easier than you think. Be above average, and you will be paid in dividends.

10. Do the Twenty Men Exercise

All of us need powerful role models to look up to. They motivate and give us valuable lessons. Unfortunately, these are hard to come by in modern society. So, carefully select a list of twenty men, living or dead, that for whatever reason, you admire and seek to learn from. Write them down, and write your list of reasons why you chose them. Then read their works, and read about them. Associate with them (however remotely) and you will start to be like them.

11. Find a Community

A similar step to the previous one, you should find a community of guys that want to get ahead in life and associate with them. You will start to think like them, and you will be able to get good advice. You will also, crucially, have people to hold yourself accountable to. In an era where the male sphere is under constant assault by the forces of political correctness, this is absolutely crucial. In my opinion it is second in importance to finding a good exercise regimen. Return of Kings and Roosh's forum has helped me a lot (my criticisms of the previous site still stand, however). These may not work for you and that's fine. Just find a forum that does.

12. Find Your Optimal Look

I'll be making some more content regarding this down the road, but you should be experimenting with different styles to find one that fits you. Find out the shape of your face and get an appropriate haircut from a good stylist. And I emphasize good because most barbers are not known for being that great. Find some cool accessories (a ring, a pendant, a belt buckle, etc.) that convey a part of your identity. DO NOT WEAR RUNNING SHOES UNLESS YOU'RE AT THE GYM (or...out running). Experiment with different facial hair lengths (the shape of your face and the color of your facial hair will be most important with this as well. Also, be careful not to look like an emasculated hipster). And please, take care of your skin with a good cleanser, moisturizer, and facial scrub.

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13. Desensitize Yourself to the Presence of Beautiful Women

A lot of us simply aren’t exposed to beautiful women enough, even if we think we are. Don’t worry, you don’t need to approach just yet, but when you start to master some of the previous steps, it’s time to get out there and observe the women around you that you want to talk to. Through repeat exposure, you will begin to desensitize yourself and figure out ways to break through the final approach barrier.

Consistent application and devotion to this program will start to rewire your brain. Your confidence and motivation will soar, and you will begin to work, slowly, toward busting through your approach anxiety and getting into the game.

Once you feel comfortable with the inner game component, you can begin the outer game component, which is fortunately, far simpler.

Before you start approaching you need to take note of one thing, however: a successful approach is just that - you successfully opened your damn mouth and began to make a conversation with a girl you hope to eventually have sex with. The ugly truth is that most of your approaches are going to "fail" in the sense that they won't lead to sex.

But the person afraid of this has the mindset of a loser. Every approach is a success - not only because you are doing something that very few men are capable of doing, but you are gaining experience and ultimately having fun doing it.

So now that that’s been covered, there is also something crucial I want you to keep in the back of your mind at all times:

The fear of the approach is complete bullshit.

It is a faulty perception, nothing more. Your goal is to make sure that this perception does not become reality. In all my approaches, I have never had a bad experience. I've only encountered slight bitchiness on three or four occasions and I just walked away, smirking about it as I did so. Most women are friendly or at least congenial, provided you don’t look and act like a loser, and that’s not exactly a hard benchmark to clear.

Now, there are two basic dimensions in the anatomy of a successful approach:

1. Find an Opener

Yeah, yeah, I know. The old adage that it doesn’t really matter what you say is true. To her. Most of the time. However it does matter to you. Approach anxiety (in my experience) mostly comes not from a fear of rejection, but a fear of the unknown. There are a lot of uncertainties (in your mind) that are present when approaching a stranger. So, you need to be certain about something. Your opener is that certainty. It is a small one, but a completely adequate one. Having a certain opener drastically reduces the anxiety that is coursing through your brain and trying to get you to pussy out. So, when you see a girl you fancy, find an opener. I don’t care what it is, just find one. 

(As a note: I prefer direct openers for this reason. Not only are they more ballsy and congruent, but they are far simpler to come up with than actively having to think of a situational opener which will likely make you more nervous. With direct openers, you do not have the "what do I say?!" hesitation. My go-to opener in most situations is to simply walk up to a girl with a polite "excuse me" and tell her that I thought she looked nice and I wanted to come over and say hi. Simple, direct, socially appropriate, and certain.)

2. Move

When you see a girl you like, and you have your opener ready, move your ass towards her. Unlike the first point, this is not merely a psychological trick you need to play on yourself. It is absolutely crucial to a successful approach and is grounded in solid science along with hundreds of thousands and even millions of years of human experience. The first physiological reaction in our body’s response to fear is to freeze.

Back when our more primitive hominid ancestors were running around on the savanna, they needed to be careful to avoid predators. We weren’t always the dominant species on Planet Earth. Back then, our ancestors were rather puny and with little to make up for it. It’s a known fact that predators give chase. When facing off against a lion, the thing you don’t want to do is run away. So how did our ancestors react – at least the ones that survived? Easy, they froze.

While it seems silly that our brains fear that hottie over there with the high heels and a skirt in the same way that they used to fear lions and other fearsome predators, that is essentially what they are doing. When you freeze, that fear is only going to increase and your brain is going to think of nothing else. You see a predator. You want to avoid its attention and then get as far away as possible.

To counteract this fear, you must stay in motion. A funny thing happens when you approach an object that you fear - your brain starts to get less afraid because it is filling up with adrenaline. You are entering the fight response. Simply put you are going to be much more afraid just sitting there and looking at her than by actually walking towards her. It sounds contradictory, but most other guys that approach consistently will likely tell you the same thing.

So once you have that opener ready and certain, move your butt over to your girl. At this point something almost automatic happens – you deliver your opener, she responds well, and amazingly, you are now in a conversation with this hottie. You thought it wasn’t even possible, but here you are.

Once you begin to do this, and if you have a rudimentary knowledge about the principles of game and an interesting personality, something amazing happens. You’ll begin to realize that you had it in you all along, and it was only this fear, this one little fear, that was holding you back.

When you know what you want to say, move immediately.

Enjoy!

A couple of concluding thoughts...

The more used to an environment you get, the easier your approaches will be. One of my favorite venues is Central Park and so approaching women there is very easy now. Approaching on the street for instance, is a bit harder, because I have less experience.

Your overall experience will make approaching less difficult in general, but your experience of approaching in different environments will make it much less difficult. For this reason, it makes sense to have a few spots that you specialize in to get the most bang for your buck.

Also, approach anxiety never fully goes away. It becomes more and more manageable as time goes on and you experience success, but you will always have it. Sometimes however you will wind up not approaching. That's fine. Just take it all in stride.

I also made a video to go with this article:

Walking for 6 Pack Abs

OK, so the title is actually a bit of a misnomer. It's not so simple as to just walk and get a 6 pack. It takes discipline and dedication - more in the kitchen than in your workouts, though it takes discipline in the latter too, obviously.

Another thing to be reminded of before I go into the body of this is that I had an advantage here, because I have naturally low body fat. As anyone besides those lame infomercials will tell you, abs are not a result of crunches or core exercises for the most part, they come as a consequence of having a low enough body fat percentage - typically around 13% or under.

I've been sitting at about 11% body fat for the year, good enough to get and maintain a 4 pack. I am also blessed with good genetics meaning that I can be quite liberal in my diet and still maintain that 4 pack. Yes, I know the world isn't fair. It's just very hard for me to put on fat.

Recently I've begun walking several miles a day around my fair city instead of commuting by other means. Reasons being that it doesn't cost me anything (who wants to give the MTA any of their money?) and it gives ample opportunities to day game.

Unfortunately I have been slacking in my workouts this month. Yet paradoxically I've also begun to see the contours of 6 pack abs forming. I have not changed my diet in any significant way these past couple of months, nor have I done any serious new core/ab routines.

The conclusion I've reached is that my walking is what caused the change, and walking is a known good and simple way to burn calories and ultimately lose body fat. I suspect I might have dropped down to 10% or so now - not a huge difference, but enough for the contours of a six pack to display themselves. Whether this will remain as the winter comes closer (and hence, the outdoor walks pause until spring) remains to be seen, but knowing my body, I suspect that it will.

So what does this mean for you, the reader, if you want visible abs but don't yet have them?

If you're heavier fella you're just going to need to change your diet. My cousin, Jason Manenkoff, a competitive powerlifter who owns Iron Arena Power & Performance in Hoboken, New Jersey, has recommended the Renaissance Diet by Mike Israetel to his clients, which I am consequently planning to try over the coming months, as my diet has not been very coordinated.

If you're like me and already lean, you should be able to see your abs. If you can't see your abs, you are too skinny, like I was before. Do some ab and core exercises because you need to pack on a bit of muscle mass. I would then recommend you incorporate some long walks of a couple of miles a day into your routine to shave off that last bit of body fat needed to get that six pack. Tell me if it works for you. I'd be very interested to know.

Also, Mike at Danger & Play has great information on the secrets to abs.

Game for ENTJs

I've been taking some MBTI tests recently. And yes, I know there are some problems with the MBTI, but I do find it to be generally accurate when it comes to describing my overall personality as well as those of some individuals I have interacted with regarding compatibility and other issues.

The result I tend to get across multiple tests is ENTJ:



(Never is an alias I use on another forum.)

Sometimes I get ESTJ, but ENTJ seems to describe me a bit better. A basic description of the ENTJ personality can be found here and here.

This personality type is generally rare, occurring in about 2-5% of men and 1-3% of women. It is also sometimes called the Executive, the Field Marshal, or the Chief, because ENTJs are quick to take command and are strategic thinkers, which often makes them successful leaders.

I must say that I believe that this is one of the best personality types for game. It is distinctly masculine and is often associated with alpha animals. There are also some disadvantages though, and I will go over these as well.

Advantages of the ENTJ personality type:

1. Leadership

ENTJs are considered to be natural leaders, as described above. In detailed corporate surveys, ENTJs are heavily disproportionate when it comes to leadership positions. If you are this personality type, you will likely have a lot of energy and vigor, with intellect to match, and you will thus take control of your social interactions more often than not.

This will naturally tend to make you the leader in your interactions with women, and this is one of the most important parts of your game. Frame control and decisiveness are crucial aspects of attracting and seducing women, and the ENTJ personality has these characteristics in spades. You should find that taking the lead and leading your woman on your dates is not only easy, but second-nature, because you already tend to do this with your other interactions and have for as long as you can remember. And because of your developed intuition, you will be able to see far ahead, make plans, and adapt as the situation develops.

2. Conversation

You should find that, because of the said energy and intelligence you will tend to have, you should make for an excellent conversationalist. You will come across as passionate and interesting, and women will definitely enjoy your company.

3. Potential

You will likely have some degree of ambition, and you will be able to communicate this well. You will have a pride and a desire to be the best you can be. Women will be attracted to it.

4. Smart Decision-Making

Because your intuition will tend to be highly-developed, you will be better able to take in information and make smart decisions. For instance, you will be better able to recognize girls that are more likely to be receptive to your approach and you will be more able to adapt and wait for opportunities to develop. You will not go off half-cocked.

5. Logical Dominance

Louis XIV said that the "surest method of acquiring glory is always to follow the dictates of reason."

As an ENTJ man, your logical mind will dominate your thoughts and actions. You will thus follow the dictates of reason. As a result you are less liable to make emotional decisions and are more likely to come across as being non-needy. Since neediness is an emotion that is somewhat foreign to you (and since you are already interesting and intellectually oriented, you do not find your identity in others).

6. Opportunistic Mentality

ENTJs tend to see everything as a challenge and a learning experience. Because of this, you will probably not only learn very quickly (gaining competency at game with comparatively little experience compared to other types), but you will also (if you have the right mindset) adopt the right mentality of brushing off failure and merely learning from it, rather than getting caught up in it.

These are traits that, if you develop them, will greatly help you in your game. However, there are also some cons to this personality type that you need to be aware of and avoid:

1. Analysis Paralysis

This is far and away the most problematic part of the ENTJ personality in my experience. While your logical intuition is usually one of your greatest assets, it can also be a big curse when it comes to game. Much of game is simply holding your breath and going for what you want by putting yourself out there.

Yet because of the highly developed intuition of the ENTJ, there may be some hesitation where it is not warranted. You may try to analyze and try to have everything be "perfect" before you make a move. Suffice to say, the three second rule is difficult for me to follow, which helps me in some instances, but can also hurt me in others.

To give an example, a couple of weeks ago I saw a very hot girl (who seemed to be from Brazil, given the towel she was using was the Brazilian flag) who displayed ample signs that she was open to being approached. Having used my intuition to conclude this (the good part), I nevertheless hesitated for too long, looking for the "perfect moment" (the bad part). I wasn't counting on some other guy approaching (I barely ever see it), but this time it happened, and I lost out.

I was upset with myself for the rest of the day.

You will likely need to consciously remember to tamp down this bad part of your thought processes.

2. Emotional Blocks

Since you are likely to be such a heavily logical thinker, you may find a bit of trouble discussing things on an emotional level with women.

3.Self-Pressure

Due to your distinct preference for judging over perceiving, you may find yourself putting a lot of pressure on yourself to make quick decisions and commit yourself. Because you feel the immediate need to create structure, it may get you too caught up in your own head and thus, back to analysis paralysis. It may also cause you to be too conventional and hesitant to try out new ideas.

There is a certain type of "Zen" mentality that works well with game ("giving a fuck but not giving a fuck" in the words of one astute commenter at ROK). But this "Zen" mentality is somewhat alien to the ENTJ thought process, given the prevalence of judging.

This block need not be crippling, but it is something you need to be aware of and work on.

4. Self-Criticism

ENTJs are known to hold themselves (and others) to very high standards. If you fail to meet them, you might be too down on yourself and begin to have doubts. This is something you will actively need to combat. When it comes to game, "failure" is the norm, not the exception. You will thus need to train yourself to redefine what failure truly means. You will also need to accept the inevitability of not getting what you want and to not make it a big deal. The good news is that with a little experience, this mentality should get ingrained quickly.

Overall...

The ENTJ type has much potential when it comes to game, with many strengths. However, the weaknesses can be substantial and work against you too. The good news is that your standard cognitive strengths should allow you to deal with those weaknesses given enough experience, and your strengths should also be maximized quickly.

Go on and game, my fellow ENTJs. The world was meant to be yours for the taking. A little confidence in yourself will let your cognitive powers take charge. Women will love it.

Quarterly Report - Q3 2014

Yep, it's that time again. The year sure is passing isn't it? Time to outline once again how I've done with regards to my four major goals for the year.

1. I've continued to progress with my writing, but it has slacked somewhat this quarter in comparison with the first two. I did want to finish by August, but I haven't. The end is drawing nearer, but I need to write at a higher frequency. There have been other things in the way, but those things will soon draw to a close. I also realize that this is an excuse somewhat, and I don't want to make those.

2. Again this is the one that's seen the most improvement. Aside from continuing to contact some old friends (one of whom I saw last week), I have approached and dated more women this quarter than I have in my entire life, and my game is improving by leaps and bounds. I've dedicated a lot of energy to it this past quarter (when it's been warm) and will now need to figure out how to maintain it over this quarter when it cools off. I also need to get together with my friends at a higher frequency.

3. I had a bad allergy season in September, which caused me to slack somewhat, but my physique has made some gains, particularly on my shoulders and abs. My obliques have developed more, and I think I'm starting to see the shadows of my four pack becoming a six pack. Perhaps the next stage of my fitness regimen will be to devote certain full days to certain body parts (such as a day for shoulders, etc.), but I will have to see.

4. This front has mostly been filled with me taking a real estate sales licensing course. I'm finished with it now, and am ready for the proctored exam next Monday. I expect to have my sales license within a month. This will allow me to devote more time to my book and Showdown of Arms.

Rundown:

Writing: Satisfactory
Social Development: Excellent
Workouts/Exercise/Nutrition: Good
Making Money: Progressing, but needs improvement